Kay's Korner: Mock of ages the reason for the season
The Web site Dictionary.com defines the word mock, when used as an adjective, as "feigned, not real, sham." Much of the world associates it with turtlenecks and apple pies. We sports folk, well we like our mock served with a heaping dose of draft.
Yes, it's mock draft time on the football calendar and they're coming hot and heavy. The gospel, according to Mel Kiper Jr., becomes the season's good book as he serves as matchmaker to all 32 teams. Who needs an HR department when The Hair devotes his whole existence to understanding your organization's desires, needs, wants and favorite gelato flavor? and SPiN hack like yours truly gets off by putting people to work for a company as we see fit.
It's kind of disturbing, but I love it.
Imagine if all the law firms, at a designated new-hire point each year, got together in May and went in order (the firm with the most imprisoned clients the past year goes first) selecting from all the recent law-school graduates?
Firms would put future esquires through interview processes, courtroom combines, logic drills, contract tests and happy-hour schmoozefests.
Experts would spend hours digging through third-tier schools for diamonds in the rough. The Harvard grad who promises he won't sign with a firm that won't pony up the payola slips to the second round while the hardworking, "good kid" from Georgetown with internships in international law sees his stock skyrocket.
Then there's the Oregon student with strong powers of deduction but a horrendous My Cousin Vinny-like stutter, the Michigan State student known for her strong intellectual-property skills, but also for being an organizational disaster, and the future junkyard dog who's all the talk at Baylor.
The way I see it, all professions should have drafts. So what if it's as un-American as vodka? Finding employment is one of life's most annoyingly painful processes. Let's use this little sliver of socialism and apply it not just to sports, but across all planes of the working world.
Sure, there are some downsides, like not controlling where you live or who your boss is. But your first contract has an out clause after three years and for all those undrafted souls, well, there's always Canada.
But we're way off course. This column isn't about drafts. It's about fake drafts. And we love these things more than a nice pair of fake, uh, Ferragamo shoes. Yeah, shoes.
So if we like fake drafts, logic dictates that we really, really like fake fake drafts. Being that it's mock-draft season, here are SPiN's 2007 Mock Mock Draft's first 10 selections.
1. Oakland Raiders: Despite seriously contemplating the Seahawks' offer of Seneca Wallace and a dozen grapefruits (great for prostate health, 'Hawks GM Tim Ruskell says), owner Al Davis plays it safe, drafting LT Joe Thomas from Wisconsin. Why? Davis, talking to Raiders beat writers, simply utters, "Kid's big like Madden, kid's big like ..." over and over between huffs from his oxygen tank.
Over in the green room, JaMarcus Russell quietly walks over to his agent and whispers into his ear, "Head or gut?"
2. Detroit Lions: Something tells me the story of Matt Millen and the Lions didn't start when he was named president in 2001. I have a feeling it goes back a generation or two. I'm guessing sometime long ago a Millen (father, grandfather, great aunt, Roger the golden retriever) was slighted by the Ford family.
Since Millen was a wee lad in Pennsylvania, in a classic Cristo-ian tale of revenge, he was groomed to one day destroy America's favorite automotive- and football-owning family, the Fords. The final blow occurs here, when Millen drafts his fourth wide receiver in the first round since taking over.
This time it is can't-miss Georgia Tech wideout Calvin Johnson. A clearly disillusioned Millen tells the media, "Yes, wide receivers are considered prima donnas, but this guy's different. He's going to help make rookie Jon Kitna a star. A star, I tell ya."
3. Cleveland Browns: GM Phil Savage stands in front of the dry-erase board of the war room. He stares at a pros and cons list. The name atop the list is quarterback Troy Smith. The pros outnumber the cons by at least two dozen. Most notable pros? The kid actually wants to play for the Browns, and he called Savage his pal at a charity golf tournament. The most notable con? He'll be a good quarterback -- in the CFL.
So Savage, not one to miss out on a trend, drafts LSU QB JaMarcus Russell. When asked why, he tells reporters, "Did you see what Vince Young did last season? JaMarcus Russell has a lot of those characteristics."
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Like the wife who just can't stay away from an abusive husband, Jon Gruden can't resist a Southern California wide receiver. "It fits a team need," he tells reporters about Tampa's selection of Dwayne Jarrett.
"Finally, for the first time since Key left, I feel complete," he tells his wife.
5. Arizona Cardinals: The Cards' evolution into Colts West continues as they add their own Dwight Freeney-like sackmaster to the mix in Clemson DE Gaines Adams. Everyone pretty much likes the move. Which is weird and all, since it's Arizona we're talking about.
6. Washington Redskins: Nearly forgetting they had the pick, the Redskins try desperately to unload it for a safety who won't fit their defensive scheme, a No. 2 receiver who will completely fail to complement Santana Moss or an aging, once-mobile southpaw quarterback.
Alas, after seeing no University of Miami talent worth taking, they decide to fill a hole left vacant since Sean Gilbert found his lord and savior. As Roger Goodell reads the words, "Alan Branch, defensive tackle from the University of Michigan," Dan Snyder leans over to tell Tom Cruise the big fella will be great as a villain in your next picture thingy.
7. Minnesota Vikings: Time expires before they make a pick.
7. Houston Texans: By the time the Texans are on the clock, ESPN has subjected the audience to 17 surprisingly different renditions of Paul Tagliabue saying, "With the first overall pick of the 2006 draft, the Houston Texans select defensive end, out of North Carolina State, Mario Williams."
Tired of hearing Chris Berman's cackling after each clip, Texans brass make the pick everyone associated with the organization hopes will be made -- running back Adrian Peterson of Oklahoma.
Coach Gary Kubiak describes Adrian Peterson as "Someone who will finally be able to share some of the punishment with David Carr. Hope you like cortisone shots, A.P."
8. Minnesota Vikings: Upon being told JaMarcus Russell was already taken by Cleveland, general manager Rob Brzezinski tells the commish to go on without them, they'll be back in a few.
8. Miami Dolphins: Wayne Huizenga opens his war room to the public, asking any and all to offer their opinions on who the Fins should draft.
With "Dan Marino" and "Nick Saban is a tool" being the top two choices, Randy Mueller is left debating between quarterback Brady Quinn and tackle Levi Brown. In a move Dan Le Batard will call "the worst in franchise history," Mueller selects Brown to protect Daunte Culpepper.
Note to Brady Quinn: When you shake hands with incumbent quarterback of sorts Brad Johnson on that first day of minicamp, expect it to be a little bit like the scene from Dave when Kevin Kline the president sizes up Kevin Kline the imposter. Brady Quinn, don't be shocked when the old vet tells you to, "just get rid of the grin, you look like a schmuck."
