The Oakland Raiders are on the clock. I'm on the clock. You're on the clock. We're all on the stinking clock.
Presiding over these annoying ticks is the National Football League, which continues to take its sweet time before unleashing the college player draft. Please note that I enjoy the draft even more than I enjoy Presidents' Day. In a few moments, I'll explain why the draft is important and why — despite being much longer than the Oscar broadcast — is so much fun to watch.
Before reaching that point in these proceedings, I feel compelled to complain about how the NFL teases football fans. It's all about timing. Now that the NFL Combine is grinding to a halt, only 59 more shopping days are separating us from the
Raiders making the first overall pick.
Unfortunately, we've already powered through 58 days since the Rose Bowl. How much time do NFL talent sharpies need? Well, they seem to need just enough time to outthink themselves.
Without adding up the time spent actually watching college players during the college season, personnel departments have 117 days (give or take) to study tape, interview strip-club bouncers, interrogate roommates, test players and start all over again.
Novels have been cranked out in less time. Political leaders are capable of planning a decent war in just a couple of weeks. Britney Spears can finish two or three tours of rehab in about five days.
But an NFL human-resource division is far more thorough. That's why former USCquarterback Matt Leinart is working in Arizona and Andrew Walter was the Raiders' starting quarterback last season. Through diligent background detection (which includes reading periodicals such as US magazine), it was learned that Leinart — who was suspected of being worth the first overall pick one year earlier — had been working out with Paris Hilton.
Leinart, his questionable off-field decision-making and his allegedly questionable arm strength slipped to the 10th overall pick, which was held by the Arizona Cardinals. This turned out to be a perfect fit because Arizona's talented receivers really aren't fast enough to outrun Leinart's left arm.
But the big-armed Russell didn't have to face the Tiger defense in public and Brady Quinn did. Now that Russell has the head-to-head victory and tested off the all-important charts, Brady Quinn may end up working for a far better team.
With testing on the table, let's take some of the NFL's time to visit the Indy Combine. Many insiders believe this event is conducted in Indianapolis so that players interested in socializing can be chaperoned by Jamaal Tinsley of the hometown Pacers.
Anyway, the Combine is a cattle call for prospects whose agents realize their clients need to make a better impression than they did while actually playing college football.
At the Combine, players are weighed, measured and tested for swiftness in the 40-yard dash even though they may never run more than 15 yards in a single burst during a real game. Even their posse members are timed. Physical challenges include shuttle-type tests to determine agility and weight-lifting demonstrations that indicate how many times a prospect can lift a free safety off his chest.
Interestingly, all of these physical challenges are executed without the impediments of helmets and shoulder pads. It should be noted that helmets and pads are used for each play of every game. So testing players without them seems as strategically kaput as auditioning anthem singers by making them do little more than hum.
The most scrutinized examination has nothing to do with running, jumping or lifting ... unless you're the brain of Vince Young. Yes, I'm referring to the popular Wonderlic Test, which is a handy tool used by NFL teams willing to outsmart themselves. The Wonderlic is a standardized test that has been modified to accommodate prevailing issues facing the future NFL player. For example, the Wonderlic now includes questions such as "Which company produces the best 9mm handgun?" and "Can anything good happen after 2 a.m.?"
Young's first stab at the Wonderlic reportedly was worth a score of 6 (out of 50), which suggested that among NFL citizens, Vince was only smarter than former Houston Texans GM Charlie Casserly. He was later given the test properly and got a 16 (the NFL denied the first score was accurate.)
Despite my commitment to nitpicking the NFL on issues of timing and excess scrutiny, I admit the draft is crucial to the pro football landscape. Thanks to a weak players union, the league wears a salary cap that seriously limits the stockpiling of truly good football players.
Selecting relatively affordable talent is essential. As proof, we offer the Super Bowl champion Indianapolis Colts, whose entire offensive unit — with the exception of kicker Adam Vinatieri — was homegrown. A couple of offensive linemen arrived as undrafted free agents, but the rest were selected on draft weekend.
It also should be noted that nine Colts defensive starters were homegrown.
Now that the draft's importance has been demonstrated, let's look at just how fun the broadcast can be.
ESPN has broadcast dibs on the NFL Draft and does a fabulous job. After its warm-up show, the commissioner walks in to remind us the worst team in the league is on the clock.
And that clock will be ticking for 15 teeth-grinding minutes. A lot can happen in 15 minutes. In 15 minutes, Brady Quinn can fall from the third overall pick to NFL Europe.
After the pick is made, ESPN will offer the reactions of three former players; all three will seem to love the pick. A reporter, who has been stationed outside that team's "War Room" will interview the general manager. It should be pointed out that referring to a conference area as a war room is insulting and completely out of line — unless the room is occupied by A.J. Smith and Marty Schottenheimer.
After the GM shuts up, ESPN will bring in another reporter to interview the player, who looks remarkably uncomfortable wearing a baseball cap, shin guards and a chest protector. Since this is not Major League Baseball or the NBA, the player will lack a good excuse for being unable to understand the questions.
Three more players will be consulted for their opinions on how the current selection impacts the team. Up next is ESPN book-division stalwart John Amaechi, who weighs in on how many gay players are still available. Mel Kiper Jr. completes the cycle by explaining why the selection was a disaster.
By then, only 10 minutes will be left on the clock.
