With an unreasonable level of drama to fall back on, the 2007 NFL Draft has qualified to be given the movie treatment.
The working title for the affiliated screenplay is The Green Room Mile. Stepping up as the main character is former Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn, whose trek from the prospect holding area to Commissioner Roger Goodell's right hand would — based on prevailing rates — require burning a few gallons of gasoline.
Brady Quinn and his cronies check in as leading men for today's episode of The Friday Rewind.
Brady Quinn seized the starring role while waiting for his name to be called during the draft's first round. Based on information provided by industry sources, the duration of his wait lasted slightly longer than the entire run of Magic Johnson's talk show. You'd think a green room would be kinder to someone who played for the Fightin' Irish.
At least he had good company. While his peers were strutting toward the commish, the Brady Bunch — including chipper and supportive girlfriend Cindy Slinger — kept reassuring Brady Quinn that he was receiving stellar face time on national cable television.
Unfortunately, this delay in his selection — several experts expected Brady Quinn to be gone by the fifth pick — may have cost Brady Quinn serious loot. As the size of Cindy's future engagement ring diminished in 15-minute increments, ESPN experts attempted to explain the greatest fall since the career plummet of Scott Baio.
That crucial, pro-style education provided by Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis now was considered nothing more than a stat boost for a "system" quarterback. Brady Quinn's impressive level of conditioning was downgraded to excessive muscularity.
Anyway, while Brady Quinn waited, the Oakland Raiders used the first pick to select LSU quarterback JaMarcus Russell. At 6-foot-6 and a couple of tots on the far side of 260-pounds, Russell fills an obvious Raider need — a quarterback big enough to block for himself. According to pre-draft legend, Russell can throw a football anywhere from 40-140 yards while on his knees. The big-thinking Raiders reportedly tested Russell's ability to throw while flat on his back.
The Detroit Lions, picking second, selected Georgia Tech receiver Calvin Johnson, a big, freakish athlete widely considered the top prospect in the entire draft.
The Raiders didn't believe they needed a big, freakishly athletic receiver because Al Davis may have forgotten he was trading Randy Moss to the New England Patriots the next day. In exchange for Moss, Al pulled in a fourth-round draft pick. This means that in less than two years, Moss has gone from franchise player to Inta Juice franchise player.
Let's get back to Detroit, where Johnson became the fourth wide receiver chosen in the first round by the Lions in the last five years. Two of those choices have failed miserably. All of the picks were made by personnel king Matt Millen, whose employment with the Ford family seems secure as long as he promises to stay the heck away from any redesign of the Mustang.
The Cleveland Browns, who needed a QB, were selecting third, but took Wisconsin bait-and-tackle Joe Thomas, whose green room was a boat on Lake Michigan. But the only real fishing occurred on the fifth pick, when the Arizona Cardinals, who desperately needed an offensive lineman, selected Penn State's Levi Brown. Most draft experts rated Brown in the 9-12 range; the Cardinals may have selected Charlie Brown if he had been rated No. 2 among tackles.
By selecting Brown, the Cardinals passed on sensational Oklahoma running back Adrian Peterson, who was taken by the clock-watching Minnesota Vikings. The big thinkers in Arizona must have decided that putting Peterson and Edgerrin James behind a suspect line is as tragic as hiring Tony Stewart and Kasey Kahne to drive dump trucks.
After the Miami Dolphins passed on Brady Quinn at nine, Goodell allowed Brady Quinn to avoid further camera scrutiny while waiting for his phone call in Rhode Island. On the 22nd pick, the Browns — who worked a deal for the pick — selected Brady Quinn, who grew up rooting for the team as a lad in Dublin, Ohio.
The cheers for Brady Quinn in New York were overpowered by a loud moan filtering all the way in from Chicago, where the Bears wouldn't pick for another two hours.
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# The Pittsburgh Steelers have a new mascot. I'm not sure if they had an old mascot, but if they did, he probably was allowed to leave via free agency. We're all wondering how long it will take before some joker attempts to pick up Pittsburgh-area women by impersonating the new mascot.
# According to published reports, a Virginia home busted as an alleged dog-fighting sanctuary is owned by Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick. Insiders believe Vick's initial intention was to provide a haven for Frisbee-catching dogs, but that plan was scrapped when he had difficulty connecting with his canine receivers.
# ESPN draft-day expert Keyshawn Johnson, who raved about the Panthers' draft selection of USC receiver Dwayne Jarrett, was cut by Carolina following the draft in favor of the very player he praised.
